The 40″ Jedi Speaks. Be a Rhino, Step Up & Be Great!

Posted on 10. Dec, 2009 by in The 40 Inch Jedi Speaks, Uncategorized

I’ve been divorced for about 14 months now.  There have been some good times and some tough ones.  That’s to be expected.  There are more of both to come and I am prepared for that.  That’s not just divorce…that’s just life.  It ebbs and flows.

Having joint custody of my son Brennan has been an amazing experience.   I know I am a better Dad now than I was when I was married.  My attention is more focused, I get to spend more time with him and I believe my intention has shifted to one that is much more appreciative and grateful for the time I do get to have with him.

Brennan turns 5 in January and for those of you who have kids that have passed that age…it’s really a great time.  He is becoming a little man, getting more expressive everyday and going through shoes like nobody’s business.

The other day, Brennan really threw me for a loop.

It was our first day back together after 5 days with his Mom and we were getting ready for bed and I said, “I really missed you when you were gone.”

He quickly replied, “I didn’t miss you.  I don’t want to stay here.  I want to stay with Mommy and I don’t care if I ever come here again.”

Oomph.

It was like Mike Tyson hit me in the stomach.  Hard.

It really blindsided me and I was stunned, shocked and really hurt.

Brennan fell asleep shortly after and we didn’t have a lot of time to talk about it.  Honestly, it wouldn’t have mattered because when he is “in a mood,” there is no speaking to him.Brennan1209

Once Brennan was asleep it gave me some time to sit and reflect and fortunately I used the time well.

Even though I was torn up inside, I really came to a few conclusions:

His reaction wasn’t about me.

Let me say that it may very well have been a cry out for me to do/be something different for him now and in the future, but it wasn’t likely about something I did or didn’t do.

This one is really tough and takes a lot of discipline.  It’s easy to ignore a tantrum or over-reaction to something because personally, you are insulated.  If your child throws a fit about not getting their way, it’s easy to see where the reaction is coming from.  When it’s directed right at you, well now, that’s an entirely different experience, isn’t it?

I am working on staying detached from the emotion so that I can actually think.  If I would have let myself stay in that “poor me, why me, victimy” mindset, I would be stuck, unable to see possibility.

I made up that he was missing me, missing time with me, missing my attention and he acted out.  Sometimes after a few days with either of us, he gets into a groove and just wants to stay put.  I get it.  It’s not the reality we live in, but I get a 5-year-old wanting stability.  Hell, I want stability!

I had the opportunity to shift things immediately

Even though I know it wasn’t about me, it was about something, and that something was important to Brennan.  In the moments to follow, I had the opportunity to step up and provide real value in the face of his uncertainty and confused feelings.

As I said, my son is not an “in the moment” talker.  If he is upset, he will excuse himself to his room, collect himself and calm down, and then he can talk.  Not a moment before.

I decided that night that we would have a brief conversation in the morning, but agree that we would talk about things afterschool.  Now, I had a few business meetings in the afternoon and decide to shift my schedule to create space for some good Daddy/son time.

Did I have to do this?  Of course not.  What I have been a bad Dad if I didn’t?  Of course not.  But in that moment, what I felt was what Brennan needed most was some uninterrupted, focused time with his Dad.  I wanted to give him that.

I cancelled my meetings and took the afternoon off to play.

We had a blast.

He then told me exactly what I wanted to hear.

Brennan said, “I said those things because I missed you.  You are the best Daddy ever and I miss you when I am not here.”

Yeah, it was worth it.

This all took place in a span of less than 24 hours.

This was a fantastic reminder for me in what it takes to really be successful in relationship.   My 40” Jedi reminded me of the following:

  • People own their emotions – they are not mine and I don’t have to take them on.
  • Taking things personally is my choice.  So is having thick skin like a Rhino.
  • I really need to be conscious and connected to what the people I care about are experiencing.
  • Few things are permanent.  I can always work through feelings, emotions and upsets with those I am in relationship with.
  • I get to step up and be the source of change.

Thank you, Jedi; you are indeed a wise one.   You are the most powerful mentor I have and something tells me you will always be.

Please share this with the single Moms and Dads you know and please comment here on this blog as to your thoughts.  Obviously, these lessons are about all relationships, not just the one I have with my son.