Emotional integrity…the road less travelled.
Posted on 22. Feb, 2009 by Keith O'Brien in Expand Your Mind, Leadership
I was speaking to a friend the other day and telling her that I recently heard from a old business partner of mine that I haven’t seen nor spoken to in about 11 years. We had had a falling out years ago that was pretty ugly and that was the last time I spoke to him.
He called a few weeks ago to reconnect and to offer an apology for the way he handled himself.
I am not one to hold a grudge. Life is short and I know that any energy I hold onto from past relationships is my burden to carry, not anyone else’s.
With that said, I don’t think Dave and I are going bowling anytime soon, but it was nice to hear from him and it was nice to receive an apology.
The whole episode got me thinking about our 2 1/2 year partnership. It was an odd one to say the least. Don’t ask me to explain it all as there are many factors that lead up to the fact that over two years, I personally generated about 90% of the income our business produced.
Meanwhile, we paid all of our living expenses for both of us out of the business. Apartment, two really nice sports cars, entertainment, spending money, trips, etc. I made most of the money, we both spent it.
This lopsided situation started after about 6 months, maybe less, and continued the whole time we were partners.
I let this go on for nearly two years.
How is that possible?
At the time I would have given you all kinds of reasons. We were good friends, things will change, it’s only money, he’s trying really hard…
Those things are all true, but I don’t think they were the reasons that kept me from taking action.
I would say, looking back, that I was just scared.
Scared of losing a friendship. Scared of being the source of disappointment. Scared of being completely on my own (even though I really had been for years). Scared of being courageous…if that even makes sense.
I think, in general, we do this a lot in our lives. We are in a situation that is clearly not serving our highest ideal and we stay in it.
We cling to mediocrity rather than forge ahead to greatness. We trade great for good and we do it all the damn time.
What is in our wiring that causes us to do this?
Why do we claim less than what we are capable of?
Why do we let fear rob us of being fulfilled? Or being authentic? Or truly, wonderfully amazing?
Perhaps there were no truer words spoken than…
“It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.”
I do believe this to be true on many levels. If we stop just even for a second to observe life, we see people run and hide from their greatness all the time.
Greatness takes more work.
Greatness takes a much greater level of discipline.
Greatness is demanding.
Mediocrity will take whatever it can get whenever you feel like giving it.
I recently read a great book called Integrity by Dr. Henry Cloud. The book is fantastic and there are many powerful passages. There are a few paragraphs in the book that stopped me in my tracks. I reread them many times.
”To sit with failure and loss, and understand it, process it, and grieve it before going on, takes depth of character. It takes a well of emotional resources that can fuel the soul and spirit while one is doing that kind of work. The empty person, needing the next manic “fix” of excitement and optimism, cannot wait. She has to jump in. The mature one carries the optimism inside and knows there will be another day, but only after she has fully lived this one. That way, this day won’t have to be lived again.”
You may ask what the relevance is here to what we were talking about. Here’s the tie in that is so powerful for me.
For me, the above passage is about:
- Knowing yourself and your needs
- Being authentic with yourself and your emotions – the real core ones, not the ones that are a reaction to what is happening in the moment.
- Delaying gratification
- Having discipline
You still may not see the tie in. The reason it is difficult to see is because it is so deviously subtle.
You could argue that I did many of the above four things in staying in my partnership. You could at least argue that I delayed personal gratification (of being on my own) and that I had discipline (kept my nose down and worked).
But those arguements would be total crap.
I did what was easier, which means I didn’t delay gratification at all. I choose not to confront my partner. Instead, I went on with business as usual. I did what felt better in the moment, even if I knew with every fiber of my being that the longer it went on, the worse I felt about it…and the worse I felt about myself for allowing it to happen.
And don’t even get me started on discipline. I may have seemed very disciplined to throw myself into my work and produce results…but that would also be crap.
I was hiding.
I was avoiding.
That’s not discipline. That’s being a pussy.
I’d like to say that I utilized Dr. Cloud’s advice after I ended the partnership so that I would not have to live those days again.
But I didn’t. I have lived them a few more times.
I definitely learned a great deal, but I am still working on it.
Being authentic…sounds simple, but damn does it have a lot of layers.
So, Dave, I want to thank you for reaching out after all these years. Thank you for the lessons over time. Your call has reconnecting me to these lessons at a time when they are incredibly relevant for me.
This time, perhaps if I can honor myself and my highest ideal…if I can just ground myself in my authentic self…I will not live those days again.
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